P.R.I.D.E.

I admit I cried once a week when Aaron and I were together. I admit I cried when Alex stopped loving me. I admit I cried when Ben and Jacob both rejected me in the same week. I admit I cried the first time Bruno and I had a fight. I admit I cried when Dominick told me he didn't wanna go out with me. I admit I cried when I realized Jak wasn't happy with our relationship... but never, ever in my life have I cried and hurt so much as 6 months ago on New Years. Never in my life have I cried so much over one person. That was the worst day of my life. And boy, 6 months seems like a fuckin long time when it still hurts like it happened yesterday.

My Tumblr Account?!

formspring.me

No one ever asks me anything anymore :P do your worst! http://formspring.me/longlivepeas

Los Amores De Mi Vida

Alright, so right now I'm having kind of an affection burt and I need a hug and I wanna talk to all of the people that I love but since I can't, I'm going to appreciate them all here and tell them how much I love them. Also, these are in like, randomass order.
*ehem*

To start off, SofiLoaf: thank you for always being there for me. I love you so much even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it. We've gone through the best and the worst of times together, but we still love each other just the same. Even if we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like, we're still in the others' heart and mind.
Melen: "Hi, Helen, it's Sidonie... oh wait... it's Helen..." I love you. Just thought I'd say that. You are amazingly funny and make me laugh my ass off for hours on end. You give TERRIBLE advice, but always try to help me when I'm having a breakdown anyways. You're the best bff ever for threatening every guy I've ever been with if he hurt me. You're great. I also love how we have similar taste in boys so we can talk about that ALL THE TIME. Mwah mwah mwah. We're not lesbians, we're just best friends.
Lucay Pussay: Oh... baby boo... how I adore you. Even when I'm a flaky ass friend, you still love me and insist on seeing me. You also still trust me and don't let what other people say affect our friendship. It's not every day that I talk so openly with someone who I've only known for a few months about... EVERYTHING. We laugh and cry and talk about everything from masturbation to video games... we're SUUUCH guys :)
Tashyboo: ...BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. lawl. I'm sorry but I have no words for how much I just love you like balls. Mehhheheheheehehe... girl... sex.
Leila: Awwwhh.. baby girl... you are as close to a little sister that I have. You ARE my little sister. I can't even believe how much we've gone through together and even like... why... who knew that a terrible heartbreak could bring such a wonderful friendship? We're ALWAYS there for each other even though we only see each other once every like billion years. Mwah baby girl I love you.
Jak & Mori: boys... you make my life interesting.
Colleen: let's have sex, k? On Mr. Vierra's desk. I love you girl. I think if we weren't so close, I would have a lesbian crush on you. Don't think that's weird.
Jamie: Ahhh man... alright, here's a good one. James, you're so amazing. You're the sweetest guy ever. You're such a good boyfriend and such a good friend and just generally a great guy. You're always there for me, and you're always trying to make me happy, and you're always happy yourself, which makes ME happy. You make me smile when you smile, you make me smile when you kiss me, you make me smile when you sing and laugh and act hyper. It makes me laugh when you're musically retarded, but you walk around singing the Double Rainbow song. Jesus Christ, boy, I like you a lot. We can talk about... almost everything... especially allergies with Dom hahaha. I miss you so much when I don't see you and you don't even know how much it means to me to know that you care about me and wouldn't hurt me, and you're just so so so great. There's so so so much more I wanna say, but mostly, I love you sweetheart <3 :)
Last but definitely not least, Dominick: You. sex. pot. Oh goodness. Domo, you don't even know how much you mean to me. I know you don't know what it means to be my new Caleb, but I hope that someday you discover that it's something really special. I kinda can't put into words all of the things that I wanna say to you, but mostly me love you long time.

Pacific day, won't you take me away?

I love California. I can't imagine living anywhere but here. Ever. I love the weather and the people and the reputation that we have for all being tan and attractive. I love the animals here and the fact that it NEVER snows. I love when I'm at the beach and my feet are in the water just a little bit, and I can smell the ocean and hear the seagulls. I love that seagulls are EVERYWHERE. They're even at my school, which is miles away from the sea. I love how accepting this state is, and I love how we're not thought of as being racist or homophobic, cuz I can't stand states like that. I love the language we speak. I love how wherever us Californians go, people can tell that we're from California because we say things like "hella" and "breh." I love how every girl has bangs and every guy owns a pair of shorts. I love how you can walk around any city at any time and see at least one person wearing only shorts and a t-shirt (*coughcoughJamesReynescoughcough*). I love Berkeley and Oakland and San Francisco and San Diego and Los Angeles and San Bruno and Castro Valley and everything else. I love how there's ALWAYS music around. Seriously, walk down Telegraph and you'll most definitely hear music. I love how all of the cities have different names for all of the different little neighborhoods. Like in Oakland we have Montclair and Piedmont Ave. and Rockridge even though they're all ACTUALLY parts of Oakland. I loveveeeevevevevveveveveevevevveveveveeeeeevveveeeeeeeee California. :)

"Aloha, my happy west coast friends. Do you feel alive when the breaking waves arrive and rush all around you? The beach homes in Oceanside are quite well-known by the evening tide, and we can sleep where we reside with redwoods around us. The blue air is up there and could I bring it down, I'd bottle it up and save it for a sweet summer night. I bought a one-way ticket cuz I knew I'd never see the ground unless I was aboard a jet plane and we were going down, when I wiped the tears from my eyes, the warm water took me by surprise, and I woke up beside the ocean and I realized... I must be in California" -Owl City

Salad Fingers part 1

Okay so I have to do these in little sections, otherwise it will just kill my soul to do them all at once.


Episode one- Spoons:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3iOROuTuMA&list=SL
This episode is about 2 minutes long. In the beginning, Salad Fingers is introduced to us and he talks about how he really likes rusty spoons. He says that the feeling of rust against his salad fingers is almost orgasmic. So SF (Salad Fingers) walks around this creepy-ass town and finds a house. He rings the doorbell and strokes the metal on it, and a little kid opens the door. SF asks the child about their spoons. The kid leads SF into the house and brings him to the kitchen. SF yet again asks about the spoons, and the kid screeches something that we cannot understand. Then SF says, "I see. Then I must leave. But first I'd like to stroke this rusty kettle."
What does this mean? I think that this introduction is good. It tells us that Salad Fingers is looking for something more in his life than what he has. In my head, I keep making the connection of SF to Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Lennie really likes to touch soft things, and Salad Fingers really likes to touch rusty things. They have the same childish ignorance to them, yet SF seems to have a deeper issue than Lennie does.

Episode 2- Friends:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuCw5k-Lph0&list=SL&playnext=1
This episode is about 4 minutes long. In the beginning, Salad Fingers tells us that he's having a get-together with his friends. Now, by this time, you might be thinking, "Oh shit. What are his friends going to be like? This dude is pretty screwed up already!" I must admit, I was thoroughly surprised when SF lifted his hand and had finger puppets on it. He introduces us to his finger puppet friends (Hubert Cumberdale, Marjory Stewart-Baxter and Jeremy Fisher.) The camera pans in on SF's mouth with him salivating and smacking his lips. He then wonders aloud what his friends taste like. He tastes Marjory and thinks she tastes yummy, and then makes a disgusted face when he tastes Hubert. He does not, however taste Jeremy. SF then says that he has a fish in the oven if anyone is interested, and then starts to speak a language that I don't recognize just from listening to it a few times (if anyone knows that it was or what that SF said or what it means, please let me know.) The scene changes. A man is walking by SF's house and he suddenly hears SF whining, "help... help me..." The man goes into Salad Fingers' house TERRIFIED looking. The dude finds SF in the kitchen in the dark and SF tells him that the fish that he is cooking is in the back of the oven and he can't get it out. The man goes to the oven to get the fish out and SF is holding the door to the oven open. SF spots a sharp hook on the wall and lets the door to the oven close. SF strokes the hook and pierces his finger with it. He then says, "I like it when the red water comes out" and faints. The scene changes again to Salad Fingers in a meat locker singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow and stroking the meat. Hubert Cumberdale suddenly appears in not finger puppet form and scarily screeches words that we can't understand. SF ignores Hubert and strokes his head with a rusty spoon. Hubert disappears and SF walks over to a piece of meat on a bloody hook and strokes the hook with his finger. The camera gets fuzzy and colorful and we can see SF spinning around all wobbly. We're back in his kitchen and SF says that he must have dozed off. The camera zooms out and we see SF sitting in a large puddle of blood. Salad Fingers sniffs and says something about the fish being done, and then we see the oven smoking.
What does this mean? I'm not quite sure. I think that from this episode we get the first hints of wondering if Salad Fingers is gay. With Salad Fingers eating his friends that HE created, I feel like this symbolizes insecurity and discomfort. I must bring up the point that Salad Fingers doesn't taste Jeremy Fisher. Why is this relevant? Because Jeremy Fisher is SF's black friend. Subtle hints of racism? Maybe. Maybe not. I feel like Salad Fingers speaking another language has severe importance to my analysis on this episode, but at this time since I don't know what he said, I'll have to come back to that point. When Salad Fingers closes the oven door on the dude who is trying to help him, I think that SF was truly trying to be helpful and hold the door for him! I don't think that SF is this malicious killer who loves blood and murder. He said himself that he likes blood, but he doesn't understand what blood is. He thinks it's red water! The meat locker scene is where I feel like there are hints of homosexuality brewing. It's cold, Salad Fingers is singing a happy song and doing things that he really likes to do (touch meat, touch hooks, look at blood, etc.) Hubert Cumberdale suddenly appears and they share this intimate moment where Salad Fingers strokes HC with a spoon (which we already know he loves from Episode 1- Spoons.) After the meat locker scene, Salad Fingers wakes up from what he thinks was sleep, but was obviously fainting from loss of blood. This is confirmed when we see him sitting in a puddle of his own blood.

Episode 3- Nettles:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojoICRzSCOo&list=SL&playnext=2
This episode is about 3 minutes long. In the beginning, we see Salad Fingers in a wasteland holding nettles. He says that he has been enjoying the pleasures of them. SF walks over to a baby carriage and says that he is going to call it a nettle carrier. Salad Fingers then puts nettles in the carrier and walks away. We then see a man with no arms and an apron that says "BBQ" get angry, turn red and run after Salad Fingers. The scene changes. We see Salad Finger's house, then the no armed man, and then Salad Fingers inside of his home sitting with his shirt off in the corner. Salad Fingers rubs the nettles on his nipples and some white stuff comes out. Salad Fingers makes a face like he's having an orgasm and says, "oh.. it seems as though nettles make the milk drop out of my teat." We see the no armed man outside of SF's window really angry and then we see SF in the corner again. He says that the nettles make him think happy times. There is a flashback to Salad Fingers and Hubert Cumberdale in salon chairs with blow dryers over their heads. We come back from the flashback and the no armed man hits his head on the door to SF's house trying to get in. He starts to bleed but keeps hitting his head. He finally faints and SF comes outside wondering what is going on. SF asks the dead man what his name is and when he doesn't respond, SF gives him the name Milford Cubicle. Salad Fingers welcomes Milford inside, and drags him along with blood streaming out from his head when MC doesn't respond. SF places MC on a hook in his house and asks if he is comfortable. Salad Fingers then starts to play the flute...
What does this mean? Well, first of all, I think that "Milford Cubicle" or the no armed man was the father of whatever baby belonged in the "nettle carrier" or baby carriage. I think this because the stereotype for fatherly men is for them to be macho and hard-headed when it comes to their kids, and so Milford's BBQ apron makes me think that he is the father. We again see how Salad Fingers enjoys torturing himself. He gets pleasure from pain as we see in the scene where the milk comes from his nipple. And ah, here is more homosexual hinting! Salad Fingers' "happy time" has to do with HUBERT CUMBERDALE. The stereotype for gay men is to do things that women do. Often, women go to the salon to get their hair done. This is what Salad Fingers and Hubert were doing together. Coincidence? Sidonie thinks not. When SF brings Milford inside of his home, he doesn't realize that Milford is dead. This shows the ignorance of Salad Fingers and the desire he has for companionship. He also then asks Milford if the hook in his back in comfortable, as if it would be for SF. Pleasure from pain again.

Episode 4- Cage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBNrtrntkJ4
This episode is about 5 and a half minutes long. In the beginning, we find Salad Fingers talking about how we was going to find France. SF looks and sees a little alien-like looking boy staring at him. SF says that the boy had been watching him for a while and that he would find France another day. Salad Fingers starts to walk away, and suddenly the kid appears in front of him. The kid looks at SF and has hearts around his head. He then says something that we can't understand and Salad Fingers FREAKS OUT. He starts stuttering and looks confused and panicked. SF puts his hand out to stop the boy from coming any closer and the boy licks him! The kid says something that sounds (in my ears) like, "I love you," and SF gets even more panicked. The scene changes and we see Salad Fingers' house, and then inside of SF's house, a bug crawls out of the wall. Salad Fingers appears and says, "Hello Bordois... I've been thinking about you... what have you been gathering today, little sister? ...really? Oh... your body is so much FUN. I just want to give you a big stroke." SF lifts up his finger and crushes the bug. He then gets mad and talks about how his little sister got flat and gooey and how he wouldn't play with her anymore until she had a bath. There is knock on the door. SF opens it and finds the tap part of a sink on the ground with a string tied to it. He walks outside and the tap gets pulled away. Naturally, SF follows it into the woods. In the woods, SF steps on a bear trap and faints (from his blood loss thing again like in episode 2). The scene changes and we see SF in a cage. SF notices the rusty poles in the cage and rubs his hands all over them like he's giving a hand job. The little kid then comes over and blows a kiss at SF. He then asks SF to marry him and SF doesn't like it. He freaks out and says he doesn't like the game and wants to go home. The kid gets mad and then sad when Salad Fingers actually disappears. "The kid cries out of his one abnormally large eye" -James Reynes
What does this mean? Not much. I think that from this episode we learn 2 important things. One, that Salad Fingers was so used to being alone and so used to having things go his way because he made everything up in his head, that once he begins to have real interactions with real people, it freaks him out. Two, he might have molested his younger sister. When he says "your body is so fun," what else could that mean metaphorically? Oh, also, the fact that the kid who likes SF is a boy. COINCIDENCE? Sidonie thinks not! Definitely more homosexuality references.

Writer's Cock. Oh, wait...

So lately I've been having really intense Writer's Block, which is why I haven't been blogging. Also I have finals this week so I've generally been kinda busy. I haven't been meaning to neglect you, faithful readers, I promise!
So I feel like right now there's a lot that I should be telling you. Recently Dominick Mortarotti, who also has a blog (I believe) and is actually like my best friend EVER (my new Caleb, haha) showed me these videos on YouTube called Salad Fingers.
WARNING: Do not keep reading if you are faint of heart! These videos are creepy as hell!
So anyways, I think I might do a review and commentary on each of the Salad Fingers episodes because they just affected me so deeply... you'll see why later on.
Also, regarding Dominick, he gave me a book to read called The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life (Volume I) by Drunvalo Melchizedek. That's a mouth full! (Heehee... insert sexual innuendo here.) I haven't actually started the book yet, but I probably will tonight. It talks a lot about human consciousness and our physical being. Because of Dominick, for the past few months I've been really starting to get into these kinds of things. In fact, last night I went outside in the pouring rain in the dark and meditated. It was pretty awesome. I felt really in touch with myself and my body and my inner spirit. I know I may sound crazy to a lot of you, but I don't care...
Okay, I'll talk to you later after I'm done watching Salad Fingers again. YEAAHHH, YAY FOR BEING CREEPED OUT AS FUCK!! WHOO!!
xoxo